Overheard at a grocery store

 Female, 30s:  Tell your Father he’s a bad boy and I’ll deal with him later.

Overheard at a popular quick-service restaurant

 Female, 70s:  It says in the paper that somebody reported that their garbage can was stolen.  Go and check on ours.

Overheard in a grocery checkout line

 Female, 70s:  Do you still have your own teeth?

Overheard at a grocery store

 Female, 30s:  I don’t have time for opinions today.

Overheard at a restaurant

 Male, 70s:  It’s like that blonde woman said on TV.  They’re promoting soccer to expand the socialist gender.

Overheard at a bus stop

 Male, 60s:  I hit it big on the slots, yesterday . . . SLOTS!  With an “O”!

Overheard in a popular quick-service restaurant

 Male, 60s:  Have you seen my glasses? . . . Well, look around.  Look on the kitchen table . . . Never mind, I’ve got ‘em.  Go back to sleep.

Overheard at a grocery store

 Male, teens:  They don’t have that stuff you want . . . That strawberry stuff . . . I’m in the jelly aisle . . . I don’t know what “reserves” look like.

Overheard in a grocery checkout lane

 Female, 30s:  Then she said, “God bless Mommy and Daddy, Uncle Jeff and Uncle Johnny and Aunt Carmen . . . Yeah, I hate being lumped in with those losers.

Doctor! Doctor! I’ve got World Cup Fever!

Doctor!  Doctor!  I’ve got World Cup Fever!
Can you give me some kind of reliever!
            He said, “When we lose,
            You’ll contract World Cup Blues
As you go from believer to griever.

Go USA Soccer . . . I mean Futbol!

Overheard in a popular quick-service restaurant

 Female, 70s;  I know it’s your cat, but “Smudge” is not a girl’s name.

Overheard in a diner

 Female, about 50:  I’m so hot right now.  My bra is wringing wet and my pants are sticky.

Overheard on a residential sidewalk

 Female, teen;  Guess who did it last night. . . . No, not me.  I wish.

Overheard at a coffee shop

Male, 50s;  Excuse do you have any Grey Poupon? . . . Well how about some Brown Poopon?  (followed by giddy laughter)

Overheard outside a tobacco store

Male, 70s;  They should show Heidi on TV again.

Overheard in a popular quick-service restaurant

 Since Jim died, I have to find a doctor.  I had been taking some of his meds and those ran out.

Overheard in a parking lot

Female, 70s:  If you’re going to McDonalds, get me a small chicken noodles . . . I didn’t say anything about soup . . . Small pack of CHICKEN NOODLES!

Overheard in a popular quick-service restaurant

 Male, 70s – Hello, I received some papers that say I have $70,000 with your company . . . I want to know where it came from.

Overheard in a grocery checkout

 Female, 60s:  So, they tied up the game in the eight inning and those poor people had to stay there for 8 more innings and go home in the dark.  Somebody should fix that.

Overheard at a popular quick service restaurant

 Female, 40s:  I’m such an idiot.  I just bought 6 nuggets for $2.49.  I coulda got 2 4-packs for $1 a piece.  I coulda saved a couple bucks and got more.

Overheard on the bus

 Female, 30s:  She throws coins out the upstairs bedroom window to get the dogs to shut up.

Overheard at a popular quick-service restuarant

Male, 40s (at 3 pm on Mothers’ Day): Where can I get something cheap for Ellie for Mothers’ Day?

Overheard at the bike rally

 Female, 30s:  I was there makin’ hash browns and I realized that I was still drunk.

Overheard at the bike rally

 Male, 30s:  I’m OK.  I only had 2 Bloody Marys for breakfast.

Overheard at the buffet

 Male, 70s:  People are people and most are stupid.

Overheard at a buffet

Overheard at a buffet
Male, 60s:  I’m at that Chinese buffet.  What don’t I like.

Overheard in a parking lot

 Male, 30s:  I’m sorry, I thought you were a bill collector.

Overheard at a coffee shop

 Female, 70s:  Every morning I make a cup of coffee, and then I drink it.

Overheard at a quick-service restaurant

 Female, 40s:  You boys watch the game and we will go to a movie. . . . You do know how to order pizza, don’t you?

Overheard in a quick-service restaurant

 Female, 60s:  I said, “Honey, you’ve got a newborn, a 15-month-old and a 3-year-old.  I had nothing to do with how that happened.  Honey, you are on your own.”

Overheard at a diner

 Female, 60s:  If it won’t come out, just go try again.  Gramma can’t go in there and get it for you.

Overheard in a diner

Female, 30s:  My daughter told her step-mom, “My Mom is going to buy me some Victoria Secrets underpants, and you can’t do anything about it.”  … Hell, no!  She’s only eight!

Overheard in a diner

 Female, 20s:  Get this.  Jim said he was robbed.  He said that a pickpocket must have got his wallet, removed all of his money, including the child support, and returned the wallet to his pocket.  What an idiot.

Overheard at the dollar store

 Female, 30s:  I can’t change her diaper from here.

Overheard on the bus

Female, 30s:  He said he respected my situation and said that if I slept with him, he would pay my rent.

Overheard at a grocery store deli counter

 Female, 30s:  I’ll just tell him that I’m on my period.

Overheard at a parking lot

Male, 30s:  The basement has a support pole.  Julie saw it and said, “Look Daddy, Uncle Bpbby has a stripper pole.””

Overheard at a coffee shop

 Female, 50s:  He got me a gun for Christmas.  He’s lucky it wasn’t loaded.  I’d a shot him.

Overheard at a bus stop

 Male, 40s:  Tell Porkchop to leave the old lady at home.

Overheard at a convenience store

 Male, 50s:  I’m gonna keep bowling until the man upstairs tells me to hang up my ball

Overheard at a shopping center

 Female, 40s:  I don’t know what he was dreaming about, but he kept poking me in the back.

Overheard at a department store

 Female, 20s. behind a sales counter:  I don’t know what hurts worse.  My head or my ass.

Overheard in a shopping mall

 Remale, 50s:  At least now I don’t have to wear that pain-in-the-ass bra.

Overheard on a bus

 Female, 20s:  I know I’m a bitch.  I’m just not your bitch.

Overheard at a shopping mall

 Female, 20s:  First of all, she dresses like a whore. . . I know she is, but she doesn’t have to dress like one.

Overheard in a discount store

 Female, 40s:  He was drooling so much, my pants were all wet

Overheard in a convenience store

 Male, 30s:  I am not a communist!  I just don’t like football!

Overheard at a grocery store

 Male, 50s:  You tell me what you want and I’ll tell you if I’m busy.

Overheard at a drug store

 Female, 70s:  That Bill, he never gives me time to pee.

Overheard at a popular quick-service restaurant

 Female, 30s:  Don’t make me yell “I need tampons!” in the middle of a restaurant.

Overheard at a bus stop

 Female, 20s:  Just make sure he doesn’t eat his own (whispering) poop.

Overheard at a coffee shop

 Female, 50s  He’s probably playing that World of Warpath . . . What did I say?

Overheard in a convenience store

 Male, 70s:  He was fine until they gave him the chicken vaccine.

Overheard at the bus stop

 Female, late teens: Nervous?  I had butt-crack sweat all day!

Overheard in a checkout lane

Female, 20s:  I said I got paid last night!

Overheard at a strip mall

 Female, 30s:  We can either pay the gas bill or get a bag of weed.  We can’t do both.

Overheard at a filling station

 Male, 60s:  Hell, we’ve got more gays getting married these days than standard people

Overheard at a hardware store

 Male, 50s:  My brother can’t sell his house . . . Because no one will buy it!

Overheard in a parking lot

 Female, Teens:  Right after church, she told me that she was going to beat my ass.

Overheard at the bank

 Male, 70s:  I’m all out of sync today.  I ran out of coffee and I didn’t get to read the obituaries.

Overheard at a popular quick-service restaurant

 Male, 30s:  Like Kid Rock said, “I can smell a building inspector from a mile away.”

Overheard at a popular quick-service earery

 Male, 70s: I don’t care if he was born here.  He’s still a foreigner.

Overheard at a shopping mall

 Male, 20s: I don’t need to know what’s going on in this country.

Overheard at a discount hairstyling shop

 emale:  I love cinnamon.  I’ll eat any thing with cinnamon on it. . . .  Yeah, even that.

Overheard in a grocery checkout line

 Female, 40s:  I have to call you back.  My panties are falling down.

Overheard on a bus

 Female, 20s:  I have to go home first and clean up down there

Overheard at a donut shop

Overheard at a donut shop

ale 20s:  Yeah, I got fired. . . I didn’t show up, but they never called to remind me or anything.

Overheard on a bus

 Female, 20s:  Hello? . . . Hello? . . . Hello? . . . Hello? . . . Hello?

Overheard at a popular quick-service restaurant

 Female, at least 18 (I hope):  Guess what Trevor sent me for Valentine Day . . . A picture of his, uh, (whispering) thing.

Overheard on a bus

 Male. 20s :  Yeah, I lost my new job. . . . They said I was on probation, but I’ve never been arrested.

Overheard at a bus stop

 Male, late 20s:  I’m goin’ over to the store to swipe a Sunday paper.

Overheard at a fast-food restaurant.

 Female, 70s: It’s so cold in here.  I come in here almost every day and it’s always so darn cold.  I hate it here.

Overheard at a bus stop.

 Male, 60s:  I made up that “Who Let the Dogs Out?” about three years ago.

Overheard at a popular quick-serviuce restaurant

 Female, 40s:  . . . that’s why we called him “stinky feet.”

Overheard at a coffee shop.

 Female, 40s:   I had a good poop today.

Overheard on a bus

 Female:  It all changes when you get married.  Thank God!!

Overheard at a popular discount emporium.

 Female, 20s:  Sure, I’ll come over, as long as you give me two bucks.

Overheard on Groundhog Day

 Female, 20s:  I just think it’s amazing that animals like that can sense things like the weather. 

Overheard at a bus stop

Male 20s:  Don’t you hang up on . . .

Overheard at a grocery store checkout lane

Female, 30s:  I usually don’t talk on my cell in public
 

Overheard at a bus stop.

Male, 60s:  I don’t believe in hitting a woman, but sometimes you have to.

Overheard in a popular fast-food establishment

Male, 30s:  Why do you think I need you to rob a bank?

Overheard at a medical building

Female, about 20:  I’m at the doctor’s office and I need a ride home . . . I’m too dilated to drive . . . My EYES!